Sara Schaefer

I love checking out SkyMall when I'm flying on a plane. It's the only way I keep myself
from completely freaking out over the fact that I'm sitting in a tin can shooting
through the air at 500 miles per hour, 21,000 feet above the earth, and somehow,
everyone around me is acting like this is COMPLETELY normal.

Here are my top SkyMall products, the ones that I actually consider buying:

A Wine Rack Extraordinaire

Our tres French floor model Henri holds up to 14 bottles plus 4 glasses.

Cocoon yourself in revolutionary comfort.

The poshAir sleeping bag is a breakthrough in inflight comfort. This luxurious cocoon, that's easy to slip on and off, zips you into an extra layer of lightweight warmth. Convenient, chic and comfortable.

"Mademoiselle Haute Couture" Floor Lamp

Oh-la-la! She's ready to add high fashion to your decor!

"Basho, The Sumo Wrestler" Sculpture

Add a touch of the Far East with Basho, a traditional Sumo practitioner of one of the world's oldest martial arts. In a ritual from the Land of the Rising Sun, Basho crouches in his mawashi (Sumo belt), in an intricate sculpt that's almost as wide as it is tall.

BUILD YOUR CHILD'S SWIMMING CONFIDENCE SAFELY!

Our patented Swimsafe Floatsuit is designed to give your child the confidence to have fun in the water and learn to swim safely. Swimsafe features a patented neck roll that enables the child's head to stay upright and is designed NOT to tip face forward.

Now for my LEAST FAVORITE SKYMALL PRODUCTS:

Persnickety kitties prefer water that's constantly filtered and aerated in this Water Fountain with bowl.

Persnickety kitties need to get over themselves. Yeah, I'd PREFER to have a tiny waterfall of constantly filtered and aerated water too. I'd also PREFER to have pernsickety kitties kiss my ass.


And, then we have this:

"Alive" Chimpanzee: So real, it's unreal! Hollywood "F/X" animatronics

Now this is a real robot. So real, it's unreal! The amazing "Alive" Chimpanzee is a life-size, lifelike product of the latest Hollywood "F/X" animatronics - state-of-the-art robotic technology dedicated to making machines that look, sound and act like real animals. This extraordinary creature is an extremely responsive, highly intelligent "primate" robot whose artificial intelligence, emotional range and keen sensors allow him to interact with humans and his environment in fantastic ways.

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 01:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Been kickin it in ole virginny with Poor Ole Lovie (this is what we call my
mom) for the past week.

Poor Ole Lovie has a computer to match. But I managed to crank it up and
send you this message.

1. Go see two shows this week: Ritalin Reading Series & Mortified.

Ritalin Reading Series
March 28th at 8:30PM (Doors at 8PM)
Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction - $7
34 Avenue A (b. 2nd and 3rd St.)

Hosted by Lindsay Robertson & Alex Balk
Produced by Jon Friedman
Featuring:
Sam Lipsyte
Jonathan Coulton
John Green
Elizabeth Spiers
Jon Friedman
Brad Stuernagel
Chris Genoa
& The Hilarious Nightclub Comedy of a Secret Surprise Comedic Guest

Mortified
Wednesday, March 29, 8 p.m., $15
The Tank
279 Church Street - btwn Franklin + White
(I'll be reading some poems I wrote between the years of 1993-1996 - known as the "horrible" period of my illustrious poetry career.)

2. I have something important to tell you. But not yet. When the time is right.

Love,
Sara "Virginia is not for bloggers" Schaefer

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I really wish I had been in the room when the ad execs for the Burger King account came up with this one.

AD EXEC 1: Okay, so there's this huge chicken.

AD EXEC 2: I'm listening, I'm liiiistening.

AD EXEC 1: It's in a corral.

AD EXEC 2: Keep going, keep goooing...

AD EXEC 1: There's a cowboy riding the huge chicken.

AD EXEC 2: I'm with you, I'm wiiith you...

AD EXEC 1: That's it - it's just like a real rodeo, except instead of a bull, it's this ---

AD EXEC 2: GIANT CHICKEN!

AD EXEC 1: BINGO!

AD EXEC 2: That's IT! WOOOHOOO!

AD EXEC 1: YEAH! Hahahahaha! They're gonna love it!

AD EXEC 2: Wohahahahaha! I can't take it! A cowboy - -- hahaha -- riding a giant ----

AD EXEC 1: CHICKEN! Hoooo - hahahaha- ride 'em cowboy!

AD EXEC 2: HAHAHAHA!

AD EXEC 1: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

AD EXEC 2: Jim, you're a --- hahahaha --- friggin genius!!!

AD EXEC 1: Oh! But wait!!!

AD EXEC 2: Who's the man! HAHAHAHA!

AD EXEC 1: Wait - you haven't heard the BEST part!

AD EXEC 2: Don't see how it could get much better than a GIANT CHICKEN! IN A RODEO! HAHAHAHA!

AD EXEC 1: HAHAHA!! WOOOO!!! No really, just WAIT! The BEST part - all the while - in the background, there's this soft, sweet, romantic country ballad playing, the kind of music you make sweet love to, and it's singing "biiiig, buckin, chickin....you are big, and you are chiiiiickin..."

AD EXEC 2: ......

AD EXEC 1: YEAH! It's GENIUS!

AD EXEC 2: You lost me.

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 10:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

After asking my sister if she had seen Episode 2, I got this response:

If you are wondering what the address of my heart is,
it is right on the corner of Eighth and Ocean.

Then we had a cute puppy picture competition which got pretty intense:

Sara



Ross



Sara



Ross



Sara



Ross



Sara



I think I really lost with that last one. I waited too long to play my signature puppy-as-a-purse move, because after William Shakespup, it was too late.

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 12:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I used to get zits all over my chin. Then one day, while roaming around in Sephora,
a beautiful and mysterious gay man gave me a hot tip. I must have looked desparate
because he pulled me aside and said "There is a product I will show you. Women with
chin acne swear by it. It is difficult to find. Good luck."

The toner in question was this:

It is french. Whatever shredded baby parts they put in it sure do the trick. Chin acne = gone. Gone, that is, until I ran the fuck out, and my face exploded.

So I go to Sephora to try and get some more toner. THEY DON'T CARRY IT ANYMORE. The girl that works there was like "buuuut we have this amazing toner right here, it's like our best selling toner, totally all natural ingredients----"

I smacked the toner out of her hands and grabbed her by the neck.

Shhhhhhhh. Now listen very carefully. I'm going to take my hand off your neck. When I do so, you will not tell me about your OTHER products. You will tell me about MY product. Failure to do so will result in me smothering you with this L'Occitane Ultra Rich Shea Body Scrub. Okay. Good. I'm glad we had this talk.

Turns out they don't carry it anymore because "it doesn't sell well." Yeah, they said the same thing about Surge.

What the hell am I going to do? This toner is the shit ya'll. It's been only 5 days without it and I already have SEVEN pimples forming on my chin.

Dr. Zizmor?

Jessica?

Anyone?

I had a dream last night that I was in Sephora and there was one bottle of my toner. A girl picked it up and was like "hm, maybe I'll try this!" I killed her.

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 08:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

*


Music:

I am ADDICTED to "Get Out (Leave)" by JoJo. I first discovered it during Making the Band 3 (Season 1), when Diddy had the girls learn the song for their audition. ****This just in: I have discovered that there will be a Making the Band 3 Season 3, wherein the girls pick a group name and prepare for their debut album. THANK YOU JESUS, GOD, AND THE DEVIL for making this happen.****


Film:

This weekend I saw the movie Thumbsucker. Other than having a great soundtrack by The Polyphonic Spree and Elliott Smith, this movie was awesome. It was extremely cathartic for me. Why you ask?

I can relate.


Blog:

Yesterday Lang Fisher answered reader mail on her blog, Dirty Old Prom Queen. If only I had Diry Old Prom Queen giving me advice when I was in high school.

Instead, I was getting advice from these ladies:

p.s. that aDORable baby is my nephew.

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 02:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I cry quite easily.

For instance. Take a tiny baby.







Add a large object.





Sniff.




Or how about:


Take a working class loser







Add heavyweight champion with awesome name:





Sniff sniff.




Or this:


“Too small for football" working class loser







Add last game at Notre Dame







And, for kicks, throw in a warm-hearted janitor





I'm BAWLING.

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 08:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

One episode and I am OBSESSED! It's Laguna Beach times a million! BRING IT ON! Models
in South Beach! Beautiful identical twin rivalry! Models!

Now, I don't want to get all braggy, but people used to tell me I would be a model when
I grew up.

At the height of fashion, even at a young age; here, sporting the monokini.





Strong sense of style and dynamic poses - a real standout in crowds; not to mention completely in love with Jesus.





Here, sporting the uber-trendy tapered jeans, ankle sports socks, and bucks look. The cross necklace really pops.




It's completely understandable why people told me all the time that I would be a model. Just goes to show you - DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER! Today, I can say to all those people - I'm a Financial Analyst Supervisor!

What do you think of that? Ha ha ha ha ha! Who has the last laugh now??

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 09:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Seriously, whichever A-HOLE moved my Who Moved My Cheese has exactly 14 hours to
return it. I'm going to walk away from my cubicle tonight and it BETTER be on my chair
when I get back in the morning. This is UNACCEPTABLE. This canNOT keep happening.
I'm disgusted that someone finds it entertaining to come over here and move my Who
Moved My Cheese. Hello, HOSTILE work environment anyone? Consider yourself WARNED.

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 05:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I am obsessed with Food Network. Often times I get overcome with whimsy while I’m
watching it, and minutes later I find myself downloading the recipe, buying all the
ingredients, and wasting an entire day trying to make something completely beyond my
range of cooking skills. So I’ve decided to write reviews of some of the recipes – how
do they measure up in the real world? In a real kitchen like mine, which has literally 18
square inches of counter space?

RECIPE REVIEW: Paula Deen’s “Grandgirl's Fresh Apple Cake from Georgia”

Sounds delectable, doesn’t it? The word Fresh! The word apple! And the word Cake! I’m
done. Let’s make it.

Now, I’m no stranger to Paula Deen’s cooking. The woman’s recipes often look like this:

Butter, for greasing pan
2 cups butter
1 1/2 cups butter oil
1/4 cup butter juice
3 cups all-purpose butter
1 teaspoon baking butter
3 cups peeled and finely chopped butter
1 cup shredded butter
1 pinch of butter, for taste

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F. Generously grease a tube pan.

For the cake: in a large bowl, combine the butter, butter oil, butter juice, and baking butter; and mix well. Fold butter, butter, and butter into batter. Pour the batter into the prepared pan and bathe in it until you go into cardiac arrest.

I have made many successful Paula Deen recipes. I love her personality as well. I love how she is an independent, strong woman, yet maintains her grace, humility and kindness. She knows what life is all about – and she knows how to make it taste good. So it pains me to say this, but Paula, with your “Grandgirl's Fresh Apple Cake from Georgia,” you have crossed the line.

I was drooling when I saw you make this on TV. It is a bundt cake with apples and coconut and cakey goodness – and to top it all off, you soak it for an hour in this buttery buttermilk sauce to keep it moist and rich. So I tried making it myself recently.

It was fun to make, I’ll admit. But after soaking it for an hour in the buttery buttermilk sauce, and I turned it over onto a rack to cool, I saw the sauce had only soaked through half the cake. And then it started dripping down all gooey and sticky like onto the cookie sheet beneath. Honestly, it looked a little like snot:

When it had properly cooled, I cut a piece. The top part, which had not been soaked with the sauce, tasted a bit like a dry muffin, but wasn’t half-bad. But the bottom part. Oh my god. It was disgusting. It was like eating a sponge dipped in motor oil. I think that if the sauce had soaked all the way through, it would have been evenly distributed and probably tasted good. But for whatever reason, this sauce decided to lodge itself in the bottom 2 inches of the cake, creating a kind of sludge that was just too much.

Now I may have done something wrong to cause this – I am not infallible in the kitchen. But this was a recipe for disaster. Literally! Hiyo! Seriously, when you play with that much buttery buttermilk sauce – in a cake that already contains 2 sticks of butter, vegetable oil, 2 cups of sugar and 2 cups of coconut, you’re asking for trouble.

I let the cake sit there under a piece of foil for a few days. I thought about using pieces of it to grease the squeaky doors in my apartment, but I just ended up throwing it away.

*********NOTE: AS MANY OF YOU COMMENTERS SEEM TO BE COMPLETELY UNAWARE: I'M A COMEDIAN. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY. I ALSO LOVE PAULA DEEN AND HAVE THE UTMOST RESPECT FOR HER, AND ADMIRE HER GREATLY. THIRDLY, SHE HAS SEEN THIS ENTRY, THINKS IT'S FUNNY, AND IS EVEN GOING TO USE AN EXCERPT OF THIS IN HER MEMOIRS. SO EVERYBODY JUST CALM DOWN. Learn to take a joke. That's one of the things I love about Paula Deen. She's able to laugh at herself and the world around her.***********

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 09:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (48)

Has anyone out there ever seen me sleeping on the train? Seriously...have you?

I sleep on the train. I'm one of THOSE. I get in that train and while all you hipsters read
your "books" and all you businessmen read your "blackberries," I am reading the inside
of my eyelids, with my head hanging down and my mouth WIDE open, *occasionally*
using your shoulder as a pillow...and every once in a while violently jerking awake at the
BING BONG sounding when the train doors close.

Before moving to New York City, I never realized I could sleep sitting up, so I never tried.
But now not only have I mastered the art, I am also REALLY close to being able to sleep
standing up.

Often I wonder, does anyone I know ever see me on the train and not say anything so as
to not disturb my peaceful slumber? I mean, I know the chances are slim, but living here as
long as I have, I know it's bound to happen eventually. Are there any of you out there that
have seen me sleeping on the train?

This is a challenge to all New Yorkers to capture a picture of me sleeping on the train.*

*Do NOT wake me. Much like you should not wake a person while they are
sleepwalking, you should not wake me while I'm sleeping on the train. Doing so may result in
me accidentally murdering you.

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 01:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Since half the Wiener Philharmonic will be off doing other more important things this
Friday night, Jon has graciously invited me to put on an SSIOWY!

"Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You" Reunion Special!
Friday March 10, 8 p.m., The People's Improv Theatre

More details to come...don't miss it!

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 10:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Check it out!

Billy The Often Broken Leg Guy

I produced this short for Jon Friedman & The Wiener Philharmonic. John Kingman shot and
edited it. This and two other videos I produced for them are shown during the hilarious "Doody
Calls" sketch show on Friday nights at The People's Improv Theatre.

(Works better if you let it download first and then play it.)

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 10:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Yay! There are still some finishing touches that need to be made, but this is my new website.
Notice how my icons now change color when you MOVE YOUR MOUSE over them. Oooooh.
Aaaaaah. It may appear much the same as the old one, and quite simple at that - but that's
how I wanted it. It's the behind the scenes that has changed dramatically. Behind
the scenes, it used to look like this:

Now it looks more like this:

No more Frontpage! No more uploading each file manually and only from my home computer!
I'm FREE! And modern.

Thank you to the wonderful Dan Winckler for making it.
Girl Scouts were right. Old friends are golden.

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 08:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Tues Jul 27, 8:00 p.m.
Get Off Your Knees
The Bell House Lounge
RORY SCOVEL (Comedy Central)
LISA DELARIOS (Comedy Central)
ANDY HAYNES (Just for Laughs)
GREG STONE (Opie & Anthony)
with guest co-host BROOKE VAN POPPELEN!

Wed Jul 28, 8:00 p.m.
Electric!
Fontana's
105 Eldridge Street (btwn Broome and Grand)

Thur Jul 29, 8:00 p.m.
Krompf's "I like you I love you I hate you" Show
The Creek
10-93 Jackson Ave., Long Island City
Near 49th Avenue
Free

Tues Aug 3, 8:30 p.m.
Punch Up Your Life
Housing Works Bookstore
126 Crosby Street

Tues Aug 3, 8:00 p.m.
Get Off Your Knees
The Bell House Lounge
Details TBA - Free!

Wed Aug 4, 9:30 p.m.
TBD Comedy Show
TBD Bar, Greenpoint, Brooklyn
224 Franklin St. (and Green St.)

Thur Aug 5, 8:00 p.m.
Rory Scovel & Friends
92YTribeca
200 Hudson Street

Fri Aug 6, 8:00 p.m.
Splurge
Happy Ending Lounge
302 Broome St (Between Forsyth St and Eldridge St)

Tues Aug 10, 8:00 p.m.
Get Off Your Knees
The Bell House Lounge
Details TBA - Free!

Wed Aug 11, 8:00 p.m.
Gandhi, is that You?
Lucky Jack's
129 Orchard Street

Mon Aug 16, 8:00 p.m.
Hot Tub with Kurt & Kristen
Little Field
Brooklyn

Tues Aug 17, 8:00 p.m.
Get Off Your Knees
The Bell House Lounge
Details TBA - Free!

Fri Aug 20, 8:00 p.m.
Flagstaff, AZ
Mia's Lounge

Mon Aug 23, 8:00 p.m.
What's Up Tiger Lily?
Hollywood Studio Bar & Grill
Los Angeles

Mon Aug 23, 10:00 p.m.
Keep It Clean
Public House
Los Angeles

Sat Sep 18, 8:00 p.m.
William & Mary
Williamsburg, VA

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 04:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)