Sara Schaefer

I used to get zits all over my chin. Then one day, while roaming around in Sephora,
a beautiful and mysterious gay man gave me a hot tip. I must have looked desparate
because he pulled me aside and said "There is a product I will show you. Women with
chin acne swear by it. It is difficult to find. Good luck."

The toner in question was this:

It is french. Whatever shredded baby parts they put in it sure do the trick. Chin acne = gone. Gone, that is, until I ran the fuck out, and my face exploded.

So I go to Sephora to try and get some more toner. THEY DON'T CARRY IT ANYMORE. The girl that works there was like "buuuut we have this amazing toner right here, it's like our best selling toner, totally all natural ingredients----"

I smacked the toner out of her hands and grabbed her by the neck.

Shhhhhhhh. Now listen very carefully. I'm going to take my hand off your neck. When I do so, you will not tell me about your OTHER products. You will tell me about MY product. Failure to do so will result in me smothering you with this L'Occitane Ultra Rich Shea Body Scrub. Okay. Good. I'm glad we had this talk.

Turns out they don't carry it anymore because "it doesn't sell well." Yeah, they said the same thing about Surge.

What the hell am I going to do? This toner is the shit ya'll. It's been only 5 days without it and I already have SEVEN pimples forming on my chin.

Dr. Zizmor?

Jessica?

Anyone?

I had a dream last night that I was in Sephora and there was one bottle of my toner. A girl picked it up and was like "hm, maybe I'll try this!" I killed her.