Sara Schaefer

I have been told that I am one of those people that looks beautiful
after crying. My eyes are sparkling and my face is aglow.

(And yes, usually I am topless.)

Of course, these are some of the same people who have told me that I look like Gwyneth Paltrow.

(And yes, I am usually wearing a mesh top when people tell me this.)

Well, I don't know about all that (but let's face it, anyway you slice it, I am a stone fox). What I DO know is that I am most definitely NOT pretty after crying - if said weep-fest took place right before going to bed.The next morning, I wake up, and literally, the entire day, I've got serious face problems.

What's good for this sort of thing? Cucumbers on the eye? Or maybe I should take a cue from Scarlett Johansson and wake it up with the disharmony approach.

All better.

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 08:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Monday, May 1, 8 p.m.
Upright Citizen's Brigade Theatre
Tickets $5

It's my new show, Video Gaga! We're gonna have a BIG show counting down hilarious music videos. I'm weeping with excitement.

Musical Guest: BRAVO SILVA! I'm in love.

Featuring videos by Cracked Out, The Hazzards, Stuckey & Murray, and the premier of 2 new videos by me!

John Kingman is a producer on the show with me. Jodi Skeris and Trudy Dako are also performing in the show.

And more. Many surprises. Come see what all the buzz WILL be about - before Rizzo starts talking it up under the tables at Sardi's.*

*If you get that reference, I love you.

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 10:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Let me just start by saying that I can't STAND grammar snobs. People who find it not
only necessary, but in fact their god-given right, to correct my grammar and speech -
in mid-conversation. People who act like the world is coming to an end because
somebody used a dangling preposition. You people can shove it up.

Here's my philosophy.

1. We all came from monkeys.

2. All languages and dialects - from country bumkin to the queen's english - came from the same mother-of-all-languages originated by the monkeys as they were just starting to figure out how to be human. I imagine this language sounded something akin to the secret language used by Jody Foster to communicate with her dead twin in the smash hit Nell.

3. Language is constantly changing. It's used for communicating. And as long as I can understand you, who cares?

I'm readin' you loud and clear, buddy.

4. Now, if I can't understand you, because, say, you're speaking a different language, or a different dialect even, does that make you wrong and me right? No. It just makes us different.

NEVERTHELESS (always the more) - I get really irked when I see inexplicable use of quotation marks.

For instance, when I see a sign in a laundromat that reads:

Clothes "left" unattended are not the responsibility of management. Thank "you."

I can't help but...

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 08:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

My new show.

Upright Citizen's Brigade Theatre

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 09:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

If I had to pick one Food Network chef to live on a desert island with me, I'd pick Alton Brown.

He's like the MacGyver of food, so I know we'd never starve, and most likely Alton would figure out a way to build an escape raft out of molecular egg proteins.

I usually enjoy making his recipes, which often read like this:

Who knew pie crust could be so easy?!!

But Alton, I'm sorry...I don't know WHERE you got your idea for a fruit salad:

Ingredients:

3 cups chopped fruit - Got it...

1 teaspoon lemon juice - Sure, keeps it from gettin brown!

1 teaspoon honey - Mmm, yummy idea, Alton!

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract - I like where you're going with this!

1/4 teaspoon kosher salt - Okay, for contrast! How innovative!

1/2 cup plain yogurt - Um, okay, gettin' kinda gooey here but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, Alton.

Freshly ground black pepper - Whoah there, hold up, easy there fella. Let's not go crazy or anything, all right? Everybody just calm down, he's not serious...

1/4 cup mayonnaise - WHAT? UM, NO, ALTON. NO. I don't CARE if it's the "BINDER." MAYO in a FRUIT SALAD? Are you out of your damn mind? GET OUT! JUST GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN! Actually, I know EXACTLY where you got your idea for this so-called "fruit salad" - you got it from a little town called DISGUSTINGVILLE, maybe? Ring a bell? OH, YOU DON'T REMEMBER? Funny, because last time I checked, you were the MAYOR!

Oh, Alton, I'm sorry, I've gone and upset you. Shhhhh, I still love you. Shhhhh. Come here.

It's not your fault.

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 03:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)