Sara Schaefer

If you're just tuning in, I've been showing off some of the most rockbottom selections
of clip art from this huge collection I bought a few years back (see below for the
first set, or if you hate scrolling down, click here).

THE INEXPLICABLE

"After the Battle"

What do you get when you cross a bald eagle, a medieval knight, a kitty cat, a viking, a horse, and a confederate soldier? WAR!!! And when you need to show the woozy aftermath of such a war, we've got the clip art for you.





"Woman - Crosseyed"

Again, I wonder what they were thinking when they decided they needed something like this in their collection. I can only imagine it went something like this:

CLIP ART EXEC: Okay guys, we need to really put our brains together today and get some new ideas for our "People" section.

CLIP ART ARTIST: Gary. I've got just the thing. [sketching] She's blonde.

EXEC: I'm following...I'm foooollowing.

ARTIST: She's blue-eyed.

EXEC: Okaaay.

ARTIST: That's it.

EXEC: What? That's it? Come on, Glen! Is that the best you can do??

ARTIST: But Gary I ---

EXEC: Don't BUT me. DO YOU THINK THIS IS A JOKE? WE NEED INNOVATION! WE NEED FRESH! [Slamming fist on conference table] AND YOU'RE GIVING ME BLONDE AND BLUE-EYED? THE GUYS OVER AT CLIPART JUNCTION ARE GOING TO HAVE A FIELD-DAY WITH THIS! We've got 500,000 CLIP ARTS TO CREATE so we've got a LONG way to go if THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL "CLIP ART"!!!

[Awkward pause. Brenda sips her coffee loudly. After a moment, Glen begins sketching frantically.]

EXEC: You got something?

ARTIST: Wait.

[He sketches furiously.]

ARTIST: Okay. She's blonde ---

EXEC: BUT---

BRENDA: LET HIM TALK, GARY.

ARTIST: Okay. She's blonde, she's blue-eyed - BUT she's also crosseyed.

EXEC: Wow.

ARTIST: And she's topless.

BRENDA: Oh Glen, you've really done it!

EXEC: Awesome! [All high five.] Wow. She really looks great. It's funny, she kind of looks like my wife after we do it anal-style!!! Now. What do we have for our "amoeba" collection? Here is "Happy", which I love.

I hear we've also got sad, angry, surprised, tired...what else?

ARTIST: How about this?

"In Wheelchair"




WHEN THE TITLE DOESN'T FIT THE CLIP ART

There is a subset of the inexplicable, which is really really rockbottom - where the title given by the clip art company is totally wack or incongruous.

"Man in Robe"

Sure, you're a "man in robe." Stop trying to push your hippy bullshit on me!





"So Many Fingers"

Sooooo many fingers, man. So so many.





"Blindfolded"

What the %&$*#^!??? It's a person with a cigarette for a head you morons. How in any way does this look like someone blindfolded? If anything, it MIGHT look like Beaker with a total face bandage. He gets burnt a lot with his science experiments, so I could see that happening.




Next time (yes, there will be a part 3), we'll take a look at some of the PHOTOS from the collection - which are by far the most rockbottom things I've ever seen. Here's one to whet your appetite:

"People 133"