Sara Schaefer

For those of you who got here by googling "swim trunks that make your cock look big",
or came here for my killer selection of bull clipart, or came here to tell me that
my Paula Deen recipe is "written incorrectly" and that I should "try referring to the
original" - this will be BIG news:

I've got a new job! I can't go into it much now, but I will say this: I'm essentially
going to be a cross between Martha Quinn and Madeline Kahn, but of a futuristic
internet variety. Confused? So am I. All I know, is that I have to wear a LOT
of make-up.

Sometimes they have a make-up person do it for me.

In person, it's a bit severe. But then when I see myself on tape, I look more like this:

Wow. I asked the make-up artist what her secret was. She gave me a recipe:

2 egg whites
1 egg yolk
1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
2/3 cup milk
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
3/4 cup butter
1/2 cup white sugar
1/4 cup confectioners' sugar

Mix ingredients together in bowl. Pour on face and allow lights to bake the mixture until golden brown. Have P.A. lick face if it starts to get too delicious looking.

I never wore a lot of make-up growing up. Except of course for the theatre.

Don't bother asking - the answer is yes.

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 04:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I'll post some good stuff soon, I promise.

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 11:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Check out the new Video Gaga blog!

The site will provide up-to-MINUTE info about upcoming Video Gaga shows, and feature
videos that were screened at past shows. Oh, and other videos and funny things that
didn't make it into the live version! Wahoo! The internet!

http://video-gaga.blogspot.com/

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 06:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

If you've been on the YouTube lately, you've noticed that these lip syncing videos
are everywhere. Ever since Numa Numa guy, the kids have been going crazy
with the lip syncing videos. You just get your friend to come over, hook up the
web cam, lip sync to a popular song, dance around like fools, maybe speed it up
chipmunk style. Upload onto YouTube, and voila, three minutes later you've gotten
800,000 views.

I see all this, and I'm thinking, hey. No fair! When I was a teenager, we didn't have
YouTube. There was no such thing as a viral video. If you wanted to be famous,
you had to get on either the MMC or Kids Incorporated.

Well, I decided, it's not too late for me. I want to make my own lip syncing video!

So I did. Now. Maybe I'm too old for this. Or maybe I don't get it...but
we did our best, people. Enjoy.

A Sara Schaefer / Chris Genoa Production. Performed by me and Lang Fisher.

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 11:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

VIDEO GAGA
Monday July 17, 9:30 p.m.

Musical guest: Elvis Perkins

Featuring funny music videos by Jon Benjamin, Mike O'Connell, and more.
Also, Mike O'Connell will be dropping by to personally introduce his video!

Tickets $5 (reserve tickets here or by calling 212-366-9176)
Upright Citizen's Brigade Theatre
307 W. 26th Street, btw 8th & 9th

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 08:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I've left most of the Project Runway commentary to more talented bloggers. But I have to
say one thing.

I HATE this POLLING BULLSHIT that Bravo now has (they did the same thing with the
final episode of Top Chef). First, at about halfway mark through the show, they slip
this poll up on the screen. It's like "Which contestant do you think should get
eliminated?" And they show 3 of the designers, Stacey, Jeffrey, and Vincent.
I wondered why they picked those three. Obviously Vincent. (Hello, his design skill is
somewhere on the level of a child playing dress up at Grandma's house.)

But the other two, well, at that point I'd barely seen their outfits, so I didn't understand.
TURNS OUT, these three ARE the bottom three. It suddenly dawned on me that Bravo
had given away who the bottom three would be before we even got to it. Is this going
to be a pattern? I don't want to KNOW who the bottom three are before we even see
the runway show!

The runway show is one of the most exhilirating moments on TV. Why do they have to go and ruin it? I like guessing which outfits sucked and which ones were great. I like testing my eye for fashion against the judges' eyes for fashion. But now that's ruined. RUINED!

It's like when my mom told me the ending of the movie The Game.

Note: I realize that this little rant makes me look like a huge dork. I feel like a guy I met one time at a sci-fi book club reading, who was going OFF because his DVR had cut off the last 5 seconds of the credits to CSI episode #203 "Scuba Doobie Doo". He was SO mad. At the time, I made fun of him, like the shallow bitch that I am. But now, I understand his pain. Can't we just enjoy our TV shows in peace?

Never you mind about why I was at a sci-fi book club reading.

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 11:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I know I'm behind the times on this one, but I had never heard of the band
30 Seconds To Mars. Ahem, WHY DIDN'T SOMEONE TELL ME ABOUT THIS??
When Jared Leto forms his own emo band, I expect you guys to notify
me IMMEDIATELY. I count on you guys to keep me up to date on
Jordan-Catellano-related activity...and something like this is HUGE!

All it took was one look...

and I was in love.

It is only fitting that the ultimate dreamboy of my adolescence is now singing deliciously dramatic angst-rock.

Here are some of the lyrics from their big single, "The Kill":

You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for
I'm not running from you

Come Break me down
Marry me, bury me

I am finished with you

Look in my eyes

You're killing me, killing me

All I wanted was you

I know now, this is who I really am inside

Finally found myself

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
Fighting for a chance
I know now, this is who I really am

But wait, the video for the song is even better. It is clearly inspired by the movie "The Shining". They even throw in the scene where a guy in a bunny suit is giving a blow job to a guy in a tux. Awesome. And the part where Jared fights and then almost makes out with the old-timey-bartender version of himself? Exhilarating. Hot.

Unfortunately Jared, I think you probably have some residual Lindsay Lohan snatch-juice on your penis, so that could be a dealbreaker with you and me.

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 04:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Do I really need a driver's license?

I let my old one expire for too long. I knew that would mean extra hassle - like I'd have
to take a road test or something. I tried to find a way to avoid it - maybe going back
to my home state and pretending I still live there...

(Though believable, valid documentation is also required.)

So I surrendered, and logged onto the DMV website earlier this week and hoped to get started. BUT I HAD NO IDEA IT WOULD BE THIS BAD. First off, I have to get a FREAKING learner's permit. I already HAD a learner's permit, like, hello, 80 years ago.

I have to admit, it was one of the best times of my life.

But get this, just to get the permit, I have to take a WRITTEN test - and pass it! Trying not to panic...maybe I can get someone to pretend to be me and take it for me.

Cashew could totally pull it off.

Okay...once I get the permit, all I have to do is just "practice" driving around for a while, right? NO. It turns out, I have to take a driver education course.

It's like being required to ride around with a huge a-hole backseat driver for a couple of weeks. If that guy even THINKS about criticizing my driving...

I might "lose control" of the car.

Finally, once that is over, I have to take my little "all done!" certificate from the driving school and go to the DMV to take a road test. Another test? DAMMIT!!! I think I'm gonna need a little help with this one too.

I figure if Mr. Chimppleson can maneuver this dog, he can surely handle an automobile.

Posted by Sara Schaefer at 01:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)