Sara Schaefer

My neighbors, at 11 p.m. last night, decided to do a little home improvement - right
next to my head. For over an hour they were hammering into the wall - right next
to my head. The worst part is, they would hammer for like 5 minutes straight,
and then there would be 5 minutes of silence, just long enough for me to start to fall
asleep. Then BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG, they would start all over
again. Good to know these people really take the time to enjoy their hammering.
You know, haste makes waste! Gotta make sure we line these nails up PERFECTLY
straight, honey. Put one nail in, step back, admire your work, have yourself a mint
julip. Can't rush genius, noooo-siree!

I just lie there imagining what they were doing. Because whatever it was, it was
a massive project.

Was it every woman's dream? The husband decided to transform a room in their 3
room apartment into a glorious walk-in closet?

Or was it some wild-eyed dream to give their kid an "extreme home makeover" style room? Oh honey, Timmy just LOVES pirates, so let's make him a 10 foot skull and a two-story pirate ship! In his room! Tonight!

Whatever it was, I'm just couldn't be happier for you douchebags. I'm so glad you got that shit done last night! Can you imagine if you had waited until today? It would have been RUINED! As for me, I did a little improvement of my own. I got my beauty sleep if you know what I mean. I woke up this morning and looked a little like this: