Sara Schaefer

Dear Paris Hilton,

You are right. We SHOULD be paying more attention to the soldiers in Iraq than we are to your
little jail sentence. But I have to say. It sure does feel GOOD knowing you're sitting in a jail cell
right now. I mean, really. I feel refreshed! Like I just took a waterfall shower in a cloud forest
and used nothing but the sun to dry myself off. Like I just took a long pull off an ice cold glass
of milk after eating a fresh-baked, melty gooey chocolate chip cookie. That kind of refreshed.
Like, for one moment, the world is in balance.

Because it's just been confirmed: your poo smells bad.

Thank you American Justice System for throwing us a bone! I mean, I was REALLY starting to
give up on you. And thank you Paris for being SOOOO amazingly dumb about this, thus
heightening our satisfaction. Because everytime I see pictures of your face from BEFORE:

I then think of your face AFTER,

and I smile. Because for just a small, teeny tiny flash of a moment, I forget that my cousins are in Iraq, that the cancer is everywhere, that the ticking-time-bombs o' my life are still ticking, that my friend is still dead, and there is NO justice for her and her daughter who has to grow up asking why they crashed a plane into mommy's building. I'm not trying to be dramatic here and nobody wants to see the tears of a clown and shouldn't this website at least attempt to be funny? Shouldn't I make a degrading joke about you...preferably one involving your mouth and penises?

I just wanted to admit, I'm one of the ones cheering. Because, Paris, they put your bratty, untalented, disgustingly unaware ass in a jail for 45 days, for exactly the reason why you bug us in the first place: you were going around acting like the rules don't apply to you. And there's nothing your daddy's cutely animated, cutely soundtracked hotel commercials can do it about it. Maybe while you're in jail, you'll learn how to read your own mail.

Regardless, upon release from jail, I recommend watching the following videos:

Love,
Sara