I AM a risk factor.
It's official, I'm gettin breast cancer!!! I've done the research, I've watched local
news and morning shows, and I think it's gonna happen.
Let's celebrate with a breast cake!
Here are the today's hippest risk factors for breast cancer.
Drinking alcohol. What am I going to do in the mornings now? This sucks!
Wearing antiperspirant. Neat. Now I get to use organic deodorant that makes me smell like a rotten onion! But wait! There's good news: if you don't shave your armpits, the risk is not as high.
Now THAT'S a solution I can live with.
Artificial sweeteners. I have already drank enough diet soda in my lifetime that I sweat cancer cells.
Eating grapefruit. It's so refreshing to find out that my favorite fruit is not only full of vitamin C, but also full of breast cancer.
Pollution. While you're at it, can you solve global warming? By the way, you have cancer.
Taking antibiotics. Because god forbid I get sick trying not to get sick.
Taking birth control pills.
That lady in Arkansas with 17 kids is ON to something.
Taking pain relievers. I stick to heavy narcotics anyway so this isn't that big of a deal.
Being white. It's about time the white devil got her due.
Pesticides. Shoot. I guess I shouldn't have bathed in 100% DEET when I went to the rain forests in Honduras back in the 90's.
Hormone Replacement Therapy. When I'm 50, I'm going to grow that moustache and you're just going to have to DEAL WITH IT.
Red Meat. Beef! It's what's for cancer!
Stress. You might be getting cancer...RIGHT...NOW. Story at 11.
Having an abortion. You know the old saying: abort your baby, abort yourself! HEYO! Ahem.
Opening and closing your eyes. Obviously.
That's it. I'm cuttin off my boobs!
p.s. Sadly, all of the above are actual risk factors. Except for that last one...at least, for now.