The Sara Schaefer Holiday Gift Guide
People love to give me gifts. Naturally. I have many friends and family members
who adorn me with jewels, the hippest in electronics and sportswear, luxury
cars, and every of-the-month club you can imagine. It happens every holiday
season (and, let's face it, also on many other days throughout the year, "just
because.") But honestly, it gets boring after a while.
I mean, how many Vertu Signature Cobra cellphones can a girl have?
So this year, I'm gonna help everyone out - and give you a no-nonsense guide to holiday gift shopping for that special Sara Schaefer in your life.
A miniature Dyson.
No, I'm not talking about the Dyson handheld. BOOORING. I'm talking about a Dyson vaccuum cleaner that is literally 4 inches high - i.e., the above picture is TO SCALE. Imagine how much cleaner my life would be if I had a tiny vaccuum in my pocket? It's the size of a sharpie - but with the monstrous power of its full-sized parent vaccuum. My cubicle? So much more tolerable. That unknown powdery substance on the subway seat? Forget about saying something - how about just obliterating it completely by exerting centrifugal forces greater than 100,000 times those of gravity? You're welcome, New York City. In conclusion, I don't care if it takes another five thousand prototypes - call that a-hole James Dyson and tell him that Sara Schaefer wants a teeny-tiny root cyclone, and she wants it by Dec 25 - free shipping or not.
A room made completely of tempurpedic memory foam.
Yes: the floor, the walls, the furniture, the ceiling - all made of this wondrous material. I don't care where this room is, but I want the key - the only key. Imagine how popular I would become, having exclusive access to the most comfortable room in the world? And imagine how great it would be for you, walking around knowing in your heart that you're the one that gave me that blinding, limitless power?
A private jet - lined entirely with Tempurpedic memory foam.
I'm not trying to harp on the Tempurpedic thing here, but have you touched this foam?? It's incredible. Now a plane completely lined and filled with Tempurpedic foam - that's a good idea. I thought of it when remembering a project my brother did for school a long time ago. They had a shoebox, and an egg. They had to drop the box with the egg in it - from a three-story balcony. The challenge was to rig the box and the egg in such a way that the egg would not break. I remember my brother using foam from an old sofa cushion to create a perfectly-sized cradle for the egg inside the shoebox. He came home from school that day - and wouldn't you know it, the egg didn't break. Sooo, I was thinking, next time I'm in an airplane and have to put it into a nose dive to save the rest of the world from the terrorists messin' about in the cockpit, wouldn't it be GREAT if said airplane was lined with tempurpedic foam? The ride down will be so much more COMFORTABLE! It will be like I'm floating on air! My spine will be perfectly aligned! Not to mention how perfect it would be for a crash landing into the Andes. The foam would save innumerable lives - particularly mine. Though, now that I think about it, you'd probably want maximum dead bodies in the Andes, because you're going to have to eat a lot of people in order to survive up there through the winter.
Come see my new show, Sara Schaefer's One Sara Show, at Union Hall on December 18.
Hey, a girl can wish, can't she?